Insert Clever Thing About Making Wishes
by Rinny Queenston
Summary: Dick genies. I have nothing else to say.


**AN: I wrote this before going to an anime convention as Allen Walker and my friend wouldn't let me live it down so here, suffer with me.**

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Though it wasn't really his preference, Lavi was fine bottoming when he felt like it. When he found the craving for that sort of pleasure without a partner to satisfy it with, though, he wound up needing to make a purchase. Adult stores weren't out of Lavi's comfort zone either, and he even took the opportunity to tease Kanda about the various strange looking toys and components littering the shelves. After they left, though, Kanda downright refused to follow him into a sex shop ever again.

Luckily Bookman wasn't nosey about anything Lavi did as long as he stayed out of trouble, so he didn't question when Lavi came home with a bag and disappeared into his room with it. Of course, in order to avoid any awkward situations, Lavi waited until Bookman left before he decided to satisfy his need and unbag his purchase.

He pulled the box from the bag, the imagery somewhat plain but Lavi didn't need anything intricate or outstanding to get off with. After opening the box, however, Lavi found himself staring. The dildo looked like a tool of torture, the Satan-red colour only making it worse along with the size and shape of the dildo. Slowly, Lavi pulled it from the box, heavy in his hand as he turned it around in the air to get a better look at it, wrinkling his nose somewhat at it's very odd theme.

He just wanted a normal dildo. This wasn't normal. But, in retrospect, he should've taken the warning signs when the people in the shop didn't even know where it came from and how it was the only one in the store. In the back of his mind, Lavi was excited, but louder was his thought of ' _I hope this wasn't recalled._ '

Shrugging since he'd already bought it and he didn't feel like leaving again, Lavi got up with the dildo and quickly went to wash it, running it under hot water and soap, using his fingers to get into the details of the molding just to be safe. As he returned from the bathroom he tossed the dildo onto the bed, quickly peeling his shirt off before flinging it over the back of his chair. While undoing his pants he retrieved a bottle of lube from the nightstand, tossing it to join the firetruck-like silicone dong on the bed.

The pants ended up in a pile on the chair, as well, only to be shortly joined by his boxers, too, before Lavi climbed up on the bed. He decided it'd be better to lube up the dildo first, simply so he wouldn't have to wait long after lubing and stimulating himself at the same time. With his legs crossed atop the covers he picked up the gaudy looking dildo and deposited it in his lap as he grabbed the bottle of lube, dumping a generous amount on his hand before also running some over the dildo itself. His thumb clicked the bottle shut before he placed it at his side, and then he picked up the dildo again and began to spread it around the smooth surface.

Pumping the red dick was oddly stimulating to Lavi himself, though it was soon shattered as the dildo suddenly trembled in his hands. Startling, Lavi yelped and threw it down onto the bed, eye blown wide as he reeled backwards, having to swing his arms to regain his balance, though while he did that, his eye could only stare thoughtlessly as the dildo suddenly righted itself. It trembled again, but then from the tip spewed a black cloud that solidified into a form, peeling back like it was being eroded away to reveal a white skull.

"The fuck you want?" the skull-face said, the face itself retreating to the right side of its face, revealing yet a human face beneath. A glaring red eye stared at Lavi, the skull not retreating any further from the right half of the man's face. Fiery red hair all but billowed out from the black fog that completely condensed into his body, falling over muscular shoulders and muscle that were completely bare from the waist up.

Lavi's jaw dropped, and he could only stare, his blood running cold and yet hot at the same time as he was now officially turned on.

The figure glared at him, and then scoffed. "Oh, right, you gotta know the fuck's goin' on, right? Fine; I'm a genie. You get three wishes. Spill."

At the words, Lavi closed his mouth, opened it, then held up a finger as he closed it again before trying again. "Okay uh… first, your lamp is a dick?"

"Yes."

"Okay, glad we got that out of the way," Lavi cleared his throat, and after licking his lips, he spoke again, "And uh… can you fuck me?"

"No."

"Dammit!"

Without missing a beat, the man gave a condescending laugh. "Before you go wishing for me to fuck you, I'll give you a few suggestions. First; a bigger dick."

"Oh, come on!" Lavi whined, crumbling in on himself. "It's not small!"

The genie only gave a low laugh.

Scowling, Lavi sat up on his knees, suddenly realizing he was naked, and upon having that realization he turned bright pink, which made the genie not only _point_ at him, but _laugh harder_.

Seeing that the genie wasn't going to stop laughing unless he was forced to, Lavi snatched the slippery dildo and threw it at him, the genie only watching as it flipped towards him. As the genie tried to catch it, though, it slipped through his fingers and shot upwards, hitting the ceiling before falling back to the bed. The genie then glowered at Lavi, so powerful that it made him lean away and regret.

"Don't throw my dick," the genie threatened. "Now, the fuck you want?"

Quickly regaining his confidence, Lavi smirked and leaned forward again, tilting his head up at the genie. "Okay, can I wish for anything?"

"Pretty much," the genie scoffed, "just not for more wishes unless you find a loophole."

"Can I get a look at the rule in print?" Lavi asked, "I'm sure I could find one if I looked."

"Tough luck, pick your wishes," the genie crossed his arms over his well-muscled and freckled chest, tossing his hair back and out of his face. "Make it quick, I have shit to do."

"Like sitting in a dildo? How long have you been in there?"

The genie scowled, "Stop asking questions! Just make wishes!"

"Fine, fine!" Lavi held up his hands in surrender, his smile falling until it returned with eagerness. "First, fuck me."

At the sight of the genie's grimace, Lavi only grinned wider.

"I'm not into men!" was the immediate reaction. "I like tits! So fuck off with your gay-ass bullshit."

Lavi gave a low, teasing chuckle, "My gay ass, alright."

The genie groaned in disdain at the joke, facepalming so hard that Lavi wondered if he hurt himself.

When the genie didn't speak again, Lavi took the initiative. "Also, if you're not into men, could I _wish_ that you were into men?"

"Again with the questions!" the genie held his arms up in rage, gritting his teeth harshly before he lunged over the bed, grabbing the dildo off the bed and shoving it in Lavi's face. "If you want it so bad then here! This is technically mine, right?!"

Lavi shoved the dildo out of his face, fighting off his laughter. "No! It's mine, I bought it! But that does raise a question." He reached out and grabbed the genie's wrist, pulling himself up to look into his eye, a little awkward seeing as they both seemed to have only one, "If I fucked myself with it and you were inside, what would happen to you?"

"I'd read the fuckin' newspaper, now make a wish," the genie said, not amused in the least.

"Can I ask your name first?" Lavi continued to smile at him, which seemed to irritate the genie past levels that Lavi normally got punched for.

Fed up with Lavi's nonsense, the genie practically shouted, "It's Cross, now make a fucking wish!"

Lavi grinned at the fact that the genie was feeding into his game, and so he just kept going. "Nice to meet you! I'm Lavi!"

"I don't fuckin' care, make a wish!"

Humming teasingly to himself, Lavi released Cross and let him reclaim his arm. He took a hellishly long time 'thinking' about his wishes, relishing how he was making the genie twitch and glower harder and harder with every passing second. After he thought the genie had waited long enough, Lavi smiled sweetly at him.

"I wish for you to become my sugar daddy."

"Son of a bitch," Cross's hands came up to his face, his body shaking as his teeth were bared, sucking in shaking breaths before he threw his hands down, one of them pointing at Lavi. "You little shit! You can't wish for that!"

"Is it against the rules?" Lavi smiled, waggling his eyebrows. "I don't think so, compadre. You're my sugar daddy now."

When Cross's glower disappeared and Lavi saw in his eye the thoughts going through his head, Lavi immediately spoke up to keep him from twisting Lavi's words around. He was _not_ getting cheated by a genie about this.

"I wish for you to become my sexual partner and for you to have enough money to spoil me like as though I were your beloved mistress!" Lavi shouted childishly, beaming when the genie's face contorted into an exasperated, horrified, and equally disgusted expression.

"And," Lavi continued before Cross could have a chance to talk, "I wish that you are and always will be sexually attracted to me without me having to change my appearance. Thirdly, I wish that after I make this wish, you won't leave me and disappear, at least not for longer than two months; going into your lamp counts as leaving. If I say you can leave for longer, then the wish can bend for that."

At the terms and conditions, Cross was staring at him in alarm and shock, all thoughts freezing in his head before they slowly started to churn again. Sighing, Cross's eye fell closed, crossing his arms again as he was apparently regretting some sort of life decision, but then he slowly brought up his hand and snapped three times.

Cross opened his eye again and fixed it on Lavi. "Fuck you."

"Please do!" Lavi beamed, knowing his eye was shining because of the way Cross recoiled.

"I hate you," Cross said, quieter this time.

Lavi could only keep smiling; this should keep him busy for the time being.

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 **ANx2: Do you guys know how it feels to have a Nea lean over and whisper 'dick genie' in your ear when you're just minding your own business? I do.**


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